i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
