Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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