I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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