The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
