Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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