I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
