I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
