and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
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