just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
