Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
