I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
