It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
