I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
