i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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