The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up under a house in Key West
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
