got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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