The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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