I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
