well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
