My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
