I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
