theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
