It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
