The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
