I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
