I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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