Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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