She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
