Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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