You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
