Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
