there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
