Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
