I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
