It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
