Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
