so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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