This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
