Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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