we have officially lost it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
