You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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