Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
