will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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