We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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