My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
