where am i from again
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
