i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
