she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
