with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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