How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
